


Triggers

by ArthurFlecksGirl



Category: Joker (2019)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:07:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24558919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArthurFlecksGirl/pseuds/ArthurFlecksGirl
Summary: Arthurs point of viewSuicidal thoughts
Relationships: Arthur Fleck/You
Kudos: 7





	Triggers

My thoughts do not have a shape.  
No matter how hard I try to figure out their form, their face.  
The faces of my thoughts are always blacked out.  
So I can`t even read my own mind anymore.  
Its all scribbles.  
I know they mean something but I can`t see their purpose anymore.  
I´m nothing but a torn out page in a diary full of blacked out pages.   
White noise interrupting an orchestra.  
Thats what I am on days like these.  
Sometimes I am the orchestra.  
The music.  
Not today.  
Faceless thoughts, all over the place.  
I cant tell one from another anymore.  
I lost track of what is real and what is not.  
Its not the first time this is happening.  
Visions are starting to blurr into one another.  
Letters appear out of nowhere, forming meaningless words on the ceiling when I lie in bed at night.  
And I want to write something beautiful for you.   
But I cant.  
Becauses the letters all look the same.  
And everytime I try to leave you a love note its just a black blurr you wouldnt be able to read.  
I always graved for someone to love me.  
And you fullfilled all my fantasies.  
Your hand was the only thing to hold on to in a world that keeps slipping away.  
And I want to hold it forever.  
But I cant.  
This life is overwhelming and you deserve someone who is able to enjoy it.  
I enjoy being with you.  
But life itself is just a burden I am not able to take.  
My mental illness is eating me alive.  
You deserve someone who`s laughter is real all the time.  
I know you love me but I dont weant to hurt you anymore.  
And I know I do.  
I am hurting you by being hurt myself.  
By being in pain.  
Pain like waves made by the storm that has been raging.  
I am hurting you by being sad.  
I am sorry, my love, but I was born sad.  
You teached me how to feel hapiness.  
And I truly did.  
I wanna thank you for that.  
Now I can die with the knowledge of how to be happy.  
Thats more than I could have ever asked for.  
I talke the gun and put it to my head.  
I smile.  
The pressure against my dimples.  
Its the only thing that makes me smile right now.  
Misery you got to go.  
The music is back.  
Thats a good thing.  
I dont wanna die without some background music.  
How about one last dance?  
I`m all alone in my apartment.  
There is no audience but I can create one in my head.  
I spread my arms, the gun still in my left hand.  
I can head them clapping to the music.  
To the sound of me leaving this time and space.  
Maybe I will be happier afterwards.  
Maybe not.  
Who knows?  
I guess I gotta find out.  
I start to dance in front of the mirror.  
I feel weightless.  
Did I already pulled the trigger?  
Will I be able to hear the shot before I am dead?  
Thats something I think about a lot.  
I am curious about that.  
How long till the music will stop?  
Will I still hear it after I pulled the trigger?  
Many , many thoughts.  
They`re starting to shift and shape until they`re not shapeless anymore.  
Prepairing your suicide makes everything more clear.  
With the gun pressed against my head I can see clear now.  
I can see how much you need this broken man.  
Its ironic how one broken soul can fix another sometimes.  
Scribbles of you and me appear in my head.  
A drawing I did when we first met.  
Stick figues with happy faces and pressed flowers.  
I still remember the feeling.  
It was warm inside of your embrace.  
It always is.  
Your arms protect me like a womb and I can be innocent again.  
Pure.  
Shiney like the light that hits my face when I put the gun to my head.  
That light.  
It always follows me and I never notice.  
All of the sudden I cannot take the thought of you finding me here anymore.  
My dead body lying on the ground when you come over too visit me.  
You`ll call out my name.  
Arthur! Arthur!  
And I would not answer you.  
There would be blood on the mirror.  
And the reflection of your crying face would wear the redness as proof that I once was real.  
There will be tears.  
Amd I dont want you to cry.  
I wouldnt be there anymore to kiss those tears away.  
And they should be kissed away.  
Softly and gentle...  
Your soft skin, a map that is leading me to myself.  
Maybe its all a bad idea.  
Maybe this is all bullshit.  
I put the gun away and look at the mirror.  
A body defined by natural disasters.  
Tears are running down my face and I try to wipe them away by reaching out for my reflection.  
But all I can feel is the cold surface of the mirror,   
while my reflection is watching me.  
Observing.  
Smirking.  
I do not smile back at my reflection.  
I can`t.  
Maybe tomorrow.


End file.
